A collection of thoughts

White, and as far from the darkness of my soul as it can be. I wonder if I was buried and overwhelmed by the snow, would I be cleansed and born anew? Or would I be the spot that tainted its purity?

I wonder if my life could never have been anything else, if I would necessarily make the same choices even if I was given a new life. I wonder if that is exactly what defines me and every other human. Would it be choice if it cannot be otherwise?

I wonder if God is not a person, but a force; above right and wrong, perfection and imperfection, and above most of what we attribute to it. Something more similar to gravity than an entity that feels and speaks.

I wonder if we have got it all wrong. I wonder if the closest thing to being in heaven is being reborn a plant that is free to appreciate the sunrise and the sunset everyday. I wonder if being a lifeless object is an even higher heaven of being freer from any needs. I wonder if nothingness is the highest of all, being free from everything including oneself. Maybe since I cannot become nothing, then the most I should hope for is to become a lifeless object, a collection of chemical elements and no more than that.

I wonder what would happen if all living things die. Would the world forever remain silent and lifeless? Or would those conditions resemble how the world was when life started? Would life simply begin to form just like it did once before?

Freedom

I walk now while looking at the ground, exactly like I used to do a few years ago. Other walkers are nothing more than physical objects that I should not collide with.

I began returning to the point on this circle where I originally started. One could say that anything that happened between now and then is of no value, since I am exactly where I started.

I free myself from failure by not trying, and from deprivation by not desiring.

A lesser form of freedom that is sought only to save what remains of one’s pride.

Freedom through reduction. The senses are reduced to perceiving only the absolute necessities, and the mind is reduced to being the machine that decides based on what the senses perceive.

This is freedom. I did not choose to be deprived, but I can choose to not desire what I was deprived of. It is freedom of toothaches by pulling them all out and becoming toothless.

I imagine this to be the closest one can get to being an animal or a plant. Both would offer no justification for their will to live except that they were hard-wired to avoid death.