How can I justify a greed for the unknown?
Well, it combines two misfortunes: ignorance and deprivation.
Deprivation is something I am very familiar with. But to know that there is some joy, some essence of life, that exists but I am not aware of, kills me. I want to be close enough to know what exists, but far enough to suffer alone without humiliation.
What of the times that have passed? The joys that I was forbidden to enjoy by my ignorance, and other natural causes, and that are no longer accessible. Maybe my fault was, and still is, settling for the least amount necessary of everything. Maybe if you have lived as long as I have without reforming into a normal person then you have no hope; it is too late and requires too much input for the little output a man like me could produce.
Is there any value to a malfunctioning hand watch? It does not tick when other hand watches do. It has its own time that represents nothing outside of that handwatch’s realm. It has no handles to modify the time, or to make it tick. It knows that other hand watches tick, and it knows its time is different than theirs. Isn’t every new second in that watch’s corrupt timing an ultimate punishment? another second of misery to a pointless past. In enduring those never-ending seconds, until the battery runs out, could it be called patient? Brave?
If it lived because it feared death, and endured because it feared running away, what would that make it?