The inescapable choice of settling

My rational theory is strongly challenged by my burning tears. Will I ever admit to myself of how lonely I feel?

It is hard for me to understand why I try to disprove the claim that humans are social by nature. I live in a nearly complete isolation. The only words I say are those describing how I would like my sandwich.

Is the exemption from pain really more valuable than the experience of pleasure?
Maybe. If only you knew how inharmoniously my greed for everything that is beautiful conflicted with the excruciating pain of rejection. I only have the need for beauty, not friendship, and whenever I sought beauty I failed. There was no beauty to obtain, only the degrading rejection.

I continuously convince myself that I do not know why I do what I do with regards to social life. But I believe I know exactly what I want and at what cost. The reason I choose to withstand these burning tears from time to time is that they spare me the anger and frustration of realizing my incapability of acquiring a certain beauty.