I now pronounce you

My dear, I am marrying not for the presence, but for the absence, not to seek, but to avoid.

After I couldn’t get my prize, I wished to marry someone that considered my their prize, and I am not sure if I am doing you good or harm.
Don’t you deserve someone that viewed you as his prize?
Perhaps this is all irrelevant to our legal commitment.

You finish your studies next year, correct? Then let that be the time.
Let there be apparent joy and many people, and let there be none more miserable and lonely than me.
You will be the prettiest girl in the whitest of dresses, the dream of a million men, but not mine.
Let us greet them with firm handshakes and wide smiles, and before long we will age and pass away.

Before long, it would be as if my prize and I have never existed. As if I have never dreamed, never sought, never cried, never waited, and never moved on.

But before all of that, before everything: let me spend another year in pointless hope.
Let me remain free from the legal binding that you are mine and I am yours. Let it not be signed in paper that some dreams can never come true.
Let me wait, and what is there to do besides waiting?

 

We never change: My great wish

On the beach, passing by the sea, I remembered how much I feared drowning.
Being denied of something you most desperately need, with just enough hope of survival to keep you pushing until the last breath. Disoriented and unsure which direction leads to the surface, but still pushing.

This instant, however, I believe I should drown. The most fitting punishment is the one most feared, and the one that restores balance after its execution.

Dear the sea, take me!
My flesh, feed it to the fishes so that I might be of some purpose to someone.
My blood, let it mix with you so that I might have a share in your greatness.
My bones, preserve them as the only evidence that I have ever existed. Show them to those who wanted to follow my ways.

After the punishment is executed, and after I am deemed worthy, I will be like nature. I will continue to exist as a collection of qualities. I will exist in the sound of waves, in the movement of the fishes, and in the minds of those who have heard my story.

But until that wish comes true, I will keep wondering why the beach feels so lonely.
Have I always really preferred solitude?

I am not drowning, but it’s difficult to breathe.
As a consolation, they said: “what wasn’t couldn’t have been.” But isn’t that the source of my sorrow?
I couldn’t have been wiser or happier. My life couldn’t have been anything other than it is today. If I am born again, then it is only to be punished again.
My crime, I don’t know. But I know the punishment, and I can only begin to imagine the greatness of the crime.

The Easiest Part

is seeing you genuinely happy.

Why should it bother me?
Maybe it is something close to the definition of jealousy.

La jalousie. That was the word we were taught when the French lesson was about personalities.
Remember the question about your ideal partner?
You were there taking the same class, but how could I limit you in words (no matter French or English)?
Discutez avec une partenaire!

Do you really remember?
Has that memory ever been replayed?

Today I am further from you that I have ever been, and tomorrow I will be even further.

The easiest part is wishing all the best for you knowing it will be far from me.

“Such is love; the easiest part of it is most difficult.”