Aware

This is too much caffeine, and you’re probably too awake.
And you are probably more aware than a human ever needs to be.

 

They say it is a bliss to be able to forget, but I remember.
And they say it’s not good to overthink, but I still wonder.

 

I see the sun rising, and she seems late when I see her rise.
But she’s not late, and she’s never been.
She rises, as she has risen for thousands of years.

 

I wonder, will I be as nonexistent in a thousand years as the people who have died a thousand years ago?
Did any of them ask the same question?

 

When I was younger I was most grateful for simply existing. How unfortunate would it have been if people went to heaven and hell while I had no story? How unfortunate would it have been to be above clouds far from people and stories and issues and youth and old age?

 

I remember when I read about the scientist who wished he’d never existed, and I remember being shocked at how anyone could wish that.I guess my growth as a person can be summarized by how today I understand deeply why anyone would wish he had never existed.

By everything

Barely conscious, but barely able to feel any kind of pain.
Only the essential pains I feel.

By God, by every divine and undivine being, I will not remain helpless towards my own life.
By all the angels that have guided me when I was once worthy, and by all the devils that grasp my mind today. By myself, by everything.

I swear, and swearing is meant to be most honest.
I swear and all of those testify.

On an indeterminate day, at an indeterminate time, I will be most determined, as determined as a living thing can be.