Ignorance would have been a bless

I did it. I allowed myself to be sucked into this. I allowed this to get to me.


I think: this is good. The fact that I am feeling this emotional pain is just a proof that I have emotions.


I also think: what a ridiculously optimistic way of explaining the feeling of loneliness.


Up until yesterday I did not even know when exactly it would be, I never really realize until people start talking, but once I knew there was just no undoing it. The whole day felt different. People’s looks, the look and smell of air, nothing felt the same. Even I felt like a different person inside. Questions began to invade my mind, many more questions than I could answer. I was left with millions of questions and not a single answer. The closest thing to an answer was that deep “bad” feeling I’ve felt. What is it that I’m feeling? I had no answer to that except that it was bad. Maybe it was the guilt of not having put more effort, the sadness of how things are, the fear of an eternal life that is identical to this one, or just loneliness.


My usual defense mechanisms are especially weaker today. I admit: no happy man is an island.