After sunset and before sunrise

It was night, and the Sun has already left us for the other side.
It was becoming harder to believe that things existed other than what we could see.

We saw our fatigued faces in dimly lit places.
Truly, the sun is a gift, if only to be able to see other things.
It was hard to see far objects, like the horizon, but our futures seemed most visible. There were many visions of what is to come, at times hopes, at other times simply predictions.

Nothing was said until we parted, though the things unsaid were numerous and worrisome. We were all afraid that we had the same predictions, and silence relieved us from finding out.

Now sleep will relieve us more, and tomorrow the sun will rise. There will be many more things to see, and we will not worry before night.

Clocks, bells, and footsteps

All I hear are clocks, and bells, and footsteps of people moving away.
All I see is the height of my shadow, the closeness of the sun to ending the day.

There is not enough air to relax my chest,
and not enough words for what I wanted to say.

Everything is short between a beginning and an end.
If it’s not eternal, it ends when it begins.

It’s the hour, it’s time.
It went so fast, and I would have done a million different things.

Goodbye, goodbye. Forgive me, and I wrong a lot. Wish me happiness, lie to me.

One more cigarette

The last cigarette of a pack that I haven’t touched in 11 months. Here I am, and here it is.

I used to wonder how anyone could willingly inhale something that destroys him. But it’s clear to anyone who has ever smoked. I exhale this disgusting mix of vague emotions, and I wish naively that less of it remains in me. I don’t want to talk, and I don’t want to feel. I want to exhale silently.

More deeply, I just want to vanish. Without questions or explanations, just to close my eyes and never see the light again.

Oh God, are you there to hear my desperate cries?
Please take away everything that you have given me, everything.
If this is a test, how wonderful of a master are you!
I give up. I lose. I fail.

With as much confidence that I exist now, I am confident that I will die one day. I will leave the places that I’ve lived on and they will be occupied by others. Everyday between today and then is a punishment that only a masterful mind could incur.

What more evidence do I need more than that my punishment fits my crime?
If you existed, you would have hated me, I’m sure.
If you exist, you would condemn to Hell in life, and fire in the afterlife.

Who am I to argue that I deserve your mercy?
Who am I to argue that I deserve to die?

My enemy is the judge himself, and the judgment, and the law.

Can I ever win?

Let us inhale and exhale, we win if we die, we win and God loses.