A rough plan

I think no living person can claim to hate living, and those who truly hate living are dead.
That is what I ought to remember.

Consequently, my quest is to find the reason I preferred living, and once I find it I can abuse it. Much like those who live for food become obese, and those who live for alcohol become alcoholic.
Also similarly to them, I would overindulge in it until its appeal is equaled by the misery it brings. It would become a neutral activity, like scratching one’s ears or putting the hands in the pockets.

Eventually, after eradicating the joy I found in life, I would be deserving of being called a person who hated living.
It must follow like that. I hope it follows like that.
It wouldn’t make sense if someone truly hated living and still lived.

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A Pause

“Man is the measure of all things, of things that are, that they are, and of things that are not, that they are not.” -Protagoras

“The most beautiful arrangement is a pile of things poured out at random.” -Heraclitus

“Death, the most frightening of bad things, is nothing to us; since when we exist, death is not yet present, and when death is present, then we do not exist. Therefore, it is relevant neither to the living nor to the dead, since it does not affect the former, and the latter do not exist.” -Epicurus

“The removal of all feeling of pain is the limit of the magnitude of pleasures.” -Epicurus

” Unlimited time and limited time afford an equal amount of pleasure.” -Epicurus

“If you think that things naturally enslaved are free or that things not your own are your own, you will be thwarted, miserable, and upset, and you will blame both gods and men.” -Epictetus

“But if you think that only what is yours is yours, and that what is not your own is, just as it is, not your own, then no one will ever coerce you, no one will hinder you, you will blame no one, you will not accuse anyone, you will not do a single thing unwillingly, you will have no enemies, and no one will harm you, because you will not be harmed at all.” -Epictetus

“For the time being eliminate desire completely, since if you desire something that is not up to us, you are bound to be unfortunate.” -Epictetus

“Do not seek to have events happen as you want them to, but instead want them to happen as they do happen, and your life will go well.” -Epictetus

“Remember that you are an actor in a play … What is yours is to play the assigned part well. But to choose it belongs to someone else.” -Epictetus

“Let death and exile and everything that is terrible appear before your eyes every day, especially death; and you will never have anything contemptible in your thoughts or crave anything excessively.” -Epictetus

“Just as a target is not set up to be missed, in the same way nothing bad by nature happens in the world.” -Epictetus

“Signs of someone’s making progress: he censures no one; he praises no one; he blames no one; he never talks about himself as a person who amounts to something or knows something. When he is thwarted or prevented in something, he accuses himself… He goes around like an invalid, careful not to move any of his parts that are healing before they have become firm. He has kept off all desire from himself, and he has transformed all aversion onto what is against nature among the things that are up to us.” -Epictetus

Source:
Reeve, C. D. C. Introductory Readings in Ancient Greek and Roman Philosophy. Indianapolis, IN: Hackett Pub., 2006.

Unsent messages of a troubled lover (2)

My pain, my pleasure. My share of heaven, and my due of hell. You have given me the highest amount of hope and fear.

I long to be with you, and I long for you to be with me. I want to possess as much of your mind as your radiating soul possesses of mine.

I want history. I want to remember how we were just before I die, as a crowning achievement, a life’s highlight.

I want our eyes to meet not as strangers filled with only the weakest of guesses. I want to see our past through your eyes, to remember every moment I looked you in the eye as a lover. I want to see how your eyes look when the see someone they truly love. I want the blood to rush faster through your heart whenever you see me, your cheeks to blush, and your lips to smile. I want to see on your body the effects of your love for me.

I love the way you speak, I love to watch your lips and tongue moving in harmony to form the most appealing sounds. And although your radiance sucks in the gazes of every human being, I have loved your not-so-easily-visible bits. I love that muscle under your knee, on the back of your leg. I love the part where your neck meets your shoulders. I love the area between your eyes and your cheeks. I love the part of your jaws that forms a sharp angle connecting your chin to your cheeks.

Dear [X], your radiance emits life wherever it goes. I will seek you like a thirsty man seeks a mirage in the middle of the desert, not seeming to get closer or further away no matter how fast he runs. The hours of looking at you were very well rewarded with the seconds of eye-contact we’ve had. My mind is already exhausted trying to weigh the possibility of being with you and the likelihood of this being another torture inflicted by life upon me. But I promise you that I will gladly trade an eternity of fixing my eyes on you, my mouth towards your ears, and my body to your proximity, for one second of a look, a word, or a touch that you endow upon my existence.