Weaker moments

Maybe only out of ignorance would a human detest a perfect being and his perfect plan.

Let us depart from my reproach and your ambiguous hints. Let us discuss and decide, and I hope to replace my ignorance with unshaken confidence. Take my weakness as a bargaining advantage, as I’m desperately looking to negotiate.

I will never understand you, until I understand natural disasters and unearned punishments. Because unless you assure me that my misery would not be just another natural disaster, I have no faith in your goodness and no respect for your twisted plan.

If I died either out of misery, or as a result of a natural disaster, both scenarios would fit perfectly with your perfect plan.

I reach the same conclusion in your presence and your absence. But in my weaker moments, I look to the sky and I pray.

Please, let your mercy come as a natural disaster this instant. Bury me in your flood. Cleanse the world of me. Cleanse my memory of the knowledge that I once was.


Maybe they were right

I guess there might be some correlation between doubting your faith and becoming miserable.
I can see how this can be told as an example to those who still believe.

I used to think that someone with faith can never doubt, because something so true cannot be confused. I rejected the examples I was told, because once the Truth is found, it cannot be lost, and those who have lost their faith must have never really been faithful.

Honestly, I never feel more worthless than when I observe the similarity of humans to animals, when I think of intelligence as simply an added useful thing. And I have never felt more secure than when I saw humans and animals as completely different. When Heaven gave every reason to be alive, and Hell gave every reason to be good.

I prayed, not expecting an answer, but for the general good. I was the only animal in a room full of blessed beings, and I was envious. I felt expelled like the Devil.

Late at home, my eyes red from the lack of sleep. I do feel like the devil. But I am human and I am weak, and if you exist and if you have any mercy then I beg you to be merciful.