I mean it when I say that I should be alone

I like a good intro, so I will write two intros.

INTRO 1
It may sound silly, but I dreamed that I was in love. I don’t know if it was a summer camp or just a field trip. She needed a computer and I offered to set up my computer in her room. It gave me a reason to spend time there, and I could sometimes hear her girlfriends giggling with her when I enter. It was like reliving the first stage of love.
The dream felt so great and I felt terrible when it ended.
I don’t know why I am much younger in the dream or why I dream of being loved when I am loved in real life. Maybe it is the twisted male mind,  my constant need to be reminded that I am loved, or my need for more evidence that I could be loved.

INTRO 2
It may sound silly, but I do believe that sometimes the worst thing that can happen to your dreams is achieving them. I am certain that many people would love to have what I have, professionally and personally. Yet, I am more devoid of joy now than when I thought achieving those things would make me happy.

In hindsight, I can see that both intros have the same message. It seems that even being loved didn’t ‘fix’ me.

Dreaming is one sign of the demon’s arrival, another sign is the inexplicable inability of falling asleep.
In hindsight, the explanation is obvious. I can’t sleep because I’m terrified of having dreams and then waking up to question my reality.

I guess I’m a bit dazed right now, because every sentence I write becomes clear only after I finish writing it.
It is excruciating to wear this mask all the time. People used to tell me that I should smile more when I’m walking, and I kept telling them that my public appearance is the result of an incredible degree of self-restraint.

Another sign of the demon is recalling terrible memories. Like the time I saw my name on a paper followed by a description of me written by an unbiased person. The paper contained many nouns describing what’s beneath the mask. One of those nouns was paranoia.

I am sometimes paranoid in thinking that maybe someone who know me in real life reads this post. I console myself by saying that if that happens at least my true self will not die hidden.

Since I started with two intros, let me ending with two endings.

ENDING 1
People used to tell me that it’s better to talk instead of keeping my thoughts private. But is there a good way to tell someone that you’re a demon (at worst) and permanently damaged (at best)?

ENDING 2
Is it a good sign that people stopped trying to fix me?
Is it a sign that they understood my dilemma?
Or is it a sign that they stopped expecting me to be better?

Towards the molten center of the earth

People have warned me of falling into pits.
Because falling requires only lack of care and lack of attention, and then gravity will push you towards the molten center of the earth.
But rising and climbing the mountains is a conscious and constant effort to ascend level after level.

Although they have warned me, I was careless and I was inattentive.
I have fallen into a pit and I do not see its bottom. No care and attention can save me now. And as my speed increases, I wonder how much more violent my final collision will be.

I hear the voices of the few loved ones calling me from the top, but it becomes harder to hear them with every second.
I wonder if they have given up on calling for me, or if I am too far down to hear them.

I am sorry. I do not know to whom I apologize, and I do not know why, but this, all of this, is truly unfortunate.

I remember my childhood, and I imagine that I was a child when I started falling.
Maybe my apology is to that child that loved life and aspired to climb the highest of mountains.
I am sorry. I have disappointed you.