Unsent messages of a troubled lover (4)

It has been a while since I have seen the sweetest rejecting smile.

What I find most depressing about how things turned out is that I realize I will not see you the same way I do today. I am aware of the effect time has on these situations. How your face will be blurred, and your perfect qualities diluted. I am aware of how my deceptive mind will tell me I will find someone like you, even though you are one-in-a-universe, one-in-an-eternity, One and only, unmatched and incomparable.

The deepest sorrow I find in knowing that you were, but you won’t be. My dearest [X], I don’t want to be denied the capacity to miss you just like I was denied your love. To be denied the capacity to feel pain for your rejection is to be denied life. In fact, I wish when time takes away the pain of losing you, that it would take my eyes with it and turn me blind, and my mind with it and turn me non-existent.

My dearest [X], do not mistake my appearance for contentment. My sleep has become more exhausting than my wake. My wake has become a bitter condemnation of every circumstance and decision that led me to being the person you would reject. But that is not for you to worry about.

I realize that I am trembling, and that my message lacks any structure that it is barely coherent. But how can I be coherent parting with you forever, when I couldn’t be coherent asking you out, hoping to be lovers forever?

You are the person I desire the most, and you are the person I have desired the most in all my years of being. My eyes see you as the perfection you are, and all the others as silhouettes that are only visible if they restrict my view of you. You are my welcome pain, my burning pleasure, my potion of honey and poison that I wanted to die drinking. But it spreads darkness in my heart to admit of how, through time, a one-sided love is continuously diluted. Not to zero, never to zero. My [X], some thing, let alone my overflowing feelings for you, can never turn into nothing.

This sounds like a farewell letter, and it might be. For anything I do after you have rejected me is a nuisance that I cannot taint your existence with. You have affected me deeply, and my candle for you will remain forever lit. But I cannot decide anything against your will, even in search for something as precious as your love.

I give up to your wishes, I submit to your will. Forgive me if you find my eyes in avoidance and my body distant, but… you understand.

My dearest, [X], I love you, and you will never hear from me again.

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One thought on “Unsent messages of a troubled lover (4)

  1. Pingback: A long short story | averynormalblog

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